NBA Preseason Rankings - Part 5 of 5

It's that time of year where everybody is releasing their NBA preseason rankings. I've never seen a preseason ranking that was indicative of how they rank at the end of the season, but I can assure you that my rankings will stay just about the same ALL year. That's because I'm ranking according to how much I respect them(1), or how little I respect them(30). In part 5 of 5, I'll rank teams 1-6.

1. Utah Jazz- Are you really surprised by this one? The Jazz may not be the greatest basketball players, but they are darn good guys. The second DeShawn Stevenson raped that girl back in 2001, I knew he was gone. Last year when Robert Whaley got into a domestic dispute, I knew he was gone too. You have to respect a team where winning is not the most important thing, and that is not something that only losers say. "How 'bout them Jazz?!"

2. Miami Heat- Dwayne Wade should be the new face of the NBA, not LeBron James, not Kobe Bryant. He has outstanding sportsmanship, is married with a kid, plays with heart, and has a very active role in his community. What a stud! Since Shaq left the Lakers, I've taken notice that he isn't that bad either. Alonzo Mourning's story is every bit as good as Jerome Bettis of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Have you seen the Lincoln Navigator commercial with Dwayne Wade where he puts up a basketball hoop in a neighborhood and then gives the coach the Navigator and the players all basketballs? I'm lead to believe that's not far from the truth in any way. Those pink and orange uniforms have got to go, though.

3. Phoenix Suns- Hallelujah! Steve Nash no longer looks like a wet sewer rat! The new hair looks good, his stock is rising now. Whoever is on the PA at Suns games has the best job ever elongating such names as Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, Boris Diaw, Eric Piatkowski, Raja Bell, and Leandro Barbosa. It's too bad they traded away the rights to Rajon Rondo. Has anybody ever seen a gorilla in Phoenix outside of US Airways Center and the zoo? Just wondering.....

4. Cleveland Cavaliers- I'm glad that Sprite changed their commercial concept with LeBron James. I remember the old commercials with Karl Malone and David Robinson, they were quite misleading. Here's how the commercials would go: Karl Malone/David Robinson are playing basketball and not playing well. Karl Malone/David Robinson go to the sideline and chug a 20 oz. Sprite. Karl Malone/David Robinson go back onto the court and dominate. Yeah, I tried that once, I ended up on the ground in the fetal position screaming of cramps. I don't drink Sprite anymore.

5. Houston Rockets- Thank goodness that the "EA Sports Madden Curse" does not hold true for the NBA. Every player that has graced the cover of a Madden game since 2001 has either ended the season injured or had a horrible season. As Tracy McGrady dons the cover of NBA Live '07, lets hope that he has his first healthy season in a long time or he just might start the "EA Sports NBA Live Curse." Who wants to make a bet on how long it takes Yao Ming to say a complete coherent sentence in English? Karl Malone still can't.....

6. Washington Wizards- Did you know that Gilbert Arenas has a huge tiger face tattooed on his chest? His belly button is on the chin of the tiger. It's one of those tattoos where you wonder if he was drunk when he got it or an alternative to putting a girlfriends name on his arm that he knew he was going dump. Regardless, Arenas is an awesome player and has single handedly lifted the Wizards to a playoff caliber team in the East. Given, it doesn't take much to make the playoffs in the East, but Arenas is good. I got a kick out of the Wizards two years ago when they had a party for advancing to the second round of the playoffs with shirts and champagne. They stooped to the levels of Major League Baseball, ugh.

NBA Preseason Rankings - Part 4 of 5

It's that time of year where everybody is releasing their NBA preseason rankings. I've never seen a preseason ranking that was indicative of how they rank at the end of the season, but I can assure you that my rankings will stay just about the same ALL year. That's because I'm ranking according to how much I respect them(1), or how little I respect them(30). In part 4 of 5, I'll rank teams 7-12.

7. Minnesota Timberwolves- Kevin Garnett is awesome. The new Gatorade Rain commercial with him hatching from a basketball scares me a little. The graphic nature of it petrified me the first time I saw it. However, the other commercial with him, Peyton Manning and Derek Jeter as little kids with big heads is Super Bowl worthy. "Shut your big head up!"

8. Seattle SuperSonics- I never liked the Sonics until they got Ray Allen. When asked what his goal was in his first season at Seattle he said, "I want to become more popular than coffee!" Funny guy. If you ever play NBA '05, be the Sonics. Ray Allen, Vladimir Radmanovic, and Rashard Lewis all shoot 75% from the 3-point line! Oh, and props to all of you Seattleites for telling the owner of the Sonics to shove it when he wanted tax payers to pay for the construction of a new arena. Talk about a millionaire cheapskate.

9. Los Angeles Clippers- The fact that the Clippers were in the dumps for so long and now are so good makes you like them. I feel it all goes back to Elton Brand, one of the few Duke players to not be a NBA bust. The only reason why the Clippers are so low is that "antman" Sam Cassell. What a coniving little fake. Here's a defense tip for anybody guarding Cassell; don't get your hands near his face or he'll drop to the floor screaming and grabbing his eye like you poked it right out!

10. Philadelphia 76ers- It's sad that Allen Iverson has never been surrounded with any talent. Well, basketballwise that is. Kyle Korver is good at looking like Ashton Kutcher. It's a shame that AI was passed over in favor of Chris Paul for the USA team at the World Championships this past summer. Iverson wasn't even allowed to tryout, lame! If AI never wins a NBA Championship, he can rest assured that Air Jordans will always take a backseat to his shoes.

11. New Jersey Nets- Was it Vince Carter that made wearing tights popular in the NBA? After dunking over that 7-2 guy from France in the 2000 Olympics, he can do whatever he wants in my mind. I really wish that New Jersey would stop choking and utilize the talent that they have.

12. Orlando Magic- Okay, so the Steve Francis/Tracy McGrady trade was horrendous. I'm not too sure how signing Darko Milicic will end up for them either. Going into this season he is averaging 1.5 point per game! But, they made good with the Puerto Rican community in signing Carlos Arroyo. I heard there is a petition going around Orlando to change the team name to the Orlando "Majica." If this ranking was based on their team mascot, the Magic would definitely be in the bottom five with the teams that don't even have a mascot. Their mascot looks like Gonzo on crack! What is coming out of his nose?

NBA Preseason Rankings - Part 3 of 5

It's that time of year where everybody is releasing their NBA preseason rankings. I've never seen a preseason ranking that was indicative of how they rank at the end of the season, but I can assure you that my rankings will stay just about the same ALL year. That's because I'm ranking according to how much I respect them(1), or how little I respect them(30). In part 3 of 5, I'll rank teams 13-18.

13. Milwaukee Bucks- Got to hand it to them for changing their colors and jerseys from that purple to a much sleeker red that they used to have. No matter how I hard I try, I just can't like Andrew Bogut. He really needs a decent haircut; he hasn't had one in years.

14. Memphis Grizzlies- Coach Mike Fratello hasn't aged in almost 25 years, it sure helps that he colors his hair. Pao Gasol might want to shave that nasty beard before he gets picked up by the cops as a suspected pedophile. The best thing that happened to this franchise was getting out of Canada.

15. Charlotte Bobcats- The Bobcats have seemed to assemble a team full of juniors, sophomores, and rookies, almost all of which had tremendous success in college. I just hope that none of them turn out to be NBA busts or the Bobcats are going to be screwed.

16. Golden State Warriors- I personally blame the Warriors for all of Latrell Sprewell's hard life. I wonder if he has food on the table for his kids now that he has been unemployed for a whole year. What kind of "warrior" is in their logo anyway? It looks like a member of the X-Men, he even holds lightning. Maybe he flings those things around like Zeus!

17. Toronto Raptors- Oh, Canada, the place where NBA players go to waste away. The Grizzlies were lucky to get out of Canada, will the Raptors ever be that fortunate? Here's a prediction for you, the Raptors will NEVER win a NBA championship.

18. New Orleans Hornets- Are you catching the Chris Paul fever? I'm certainly not. The only reason why he had good stats last year was because nobody else on the team could score. Chris Paul is just another Stephon Marbury. He gets his fair share of points and assists, but he will never be able to take his team deep into the postseason. Here's another prediction for you, Chris Paul will never win a championship.

Red Auerbach Passes Away at 89

Red Auerbach, legendary coach of the Boston Celtics, passed away today. Red Auerbach established the first true sports dynasty when he won 9 NBA championships, 8 in a row during the 50s and 60s. Here's to a great and legendary coach, sorry, no stogies here.

NBA Preseason Rankings - Part 2 of 5

It's that time of year where everybody is releasing their NBA preseason rankings. I've never seen a preseason ranking that was indicative of how they rank at the end of the season, but I can assure you that my rankings will stay just about the same ALL year. That's because I'm ranking according to how much I respect them(1), or how little I respect them(30). In part 2 of 5, I'll rank teams 19-24.

19. Boston Celtics- Was Sebastian Telfair connected with the shooting of that rapper last week? Probably, but rest assured that his cousin Stephon Marbury vouched that Sebastian wasn’t. I can't be so sure though, he was caught with a handgun last year on the team plane.

20. Atlanta Hawks- Ever since Lenny Wilkins left, the Hawks have been is disarray. Maybe Dominique Wilkins should come out of retirement. Or maybe they should bring back Dikembe Mutumbo and his finger wagging ways.

21. New York Knicks- Seeing Nate Robinson dunk was pretty amazing, shades of Spudd Webb. But honestly, after “attempting” his final dunk about 15 times, the excitement was gone when he finally made it and won the Dunk Contest. Isaiah Thomas is a poor excuse for a President of basketball operations, do you think that he’s running this franchise into the ground on purpose? It will be interesting to see how he does as the head coach.

22. Denver Nuggets- I really like the Nuggets jerseys. Carmelo Anthony has been growing on me after a great showing in the World Games representing the United States. I just wish that he would find a better group of “friends” that would stop leaving drugs in his car and in his bag. Can anybody else honestly believe that Reggie Evans grabbed Chris Kaman’s junk last year in the playoffs? I think somebody should really give Kenyon Martin a new nickname, does he know that K-Mart declared bankruptcy? Hmm, maybe that’s why he has been good for nothing the last couple of years.

23. San Antonio Spurs- Do you remember when San Antonio used to have pink on it’s court? I do, that was pretty funny. Do you remember during Tim Duncan’s senior year at Wake Forest when San Antonio tanked their season on purpose so that they could daft him? I do, the Spurs sure cheated the system there. There’s a short route to rebuilding a team, just throw away a season or two so you can get some top draft picks. It worked for the Spurs!

24. Chicago Bulls- Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, and Jordan’s shadow…..I mean…..Scottie Pippen played for the Bulls, and I don’t like them. Ben Wallace now plays for the Bulls, and I don’t like him, he’s a waste of carbon. Adres Nocioni looks like Dirk Nowitzki, and I don’t like him. For all of these reasons, I’ve concluded that I don’t like the Bulls. I was all smiles for those few years after Jordan when the Bulls couldn’t buy a win.

NBA Preseason Rankings - Part 1 of 5

It's that time of year where everybody is releasing their NBA preseason rankings. I've never seen a preseason ranking that was indicative of how they rank at the end of the season, but I can assure you that my rankings will stay just about the same ALL year. That's because I'm ranking according to how much I respect them(1), or how little I respect them(30). In part 1 of 5, I'll rank teams 25-30.

25. Sacramento Kings- I don’t really have much against any of their players now that Vlade(the most notorious flopper to ever grace the hardwood floor) and crew have either retired or jumped ship, but those gold jerseys have to go. Ooh, those are hard on the eyes.

26. Indiana Pacers- The only arena in the NBA where fans AND players need to check in their weapons at the door. Ron Artest may be long gone, but Stephen Jackson is making sure that the “thug” banner is still being carried at Conseco Fieldhouse. Last week a handful of Pacers were at a night club when Jackson got in a fight and was hit by a car. Instead of taking his lickings, he pulled a gun out and fired three shots in the air. To add to the situation, marijuana was found in the car of point guard Jamaal Tinsley. He claimed it was his friend’s and was let off the hook. Right . . . Larry Bird has to do something to get this team under control. And he thought Artest was the problem . . .

27. Portland Trailblazers- Though they have cleaned up their act of late, the Trailblazers have been forever tarnished by Rasheed Wallace and Zach Randolph’s psychotic escapades. Growing up I used to call them the Jailblazers, I never thought that NBA players could go to jail. I also didn’t know that some of them pack their body’s weight of marijuana/cocaine in the trunk of their cars. What was that on Randolph’s nose the other day? He must have been eating powdered donuts before the game, which are excellent with milk.

28. Dallas Mavericks- Every generation needs its own version of ultimate fighting on the hard-court; ours comes in the form of a bunch of whiny, self-centered millionaires in Texas. A truly good matchup would be the Badboy Pistons of the 80s and early 90s and today’s Mavericks. A scene from Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy where two rival newscasting crews faceoff comes to mind. Tridents and hand grenades would litter the floor. Death everywhere. Here’s guessing that Jason Terry will punch someone below the belt this year like he did to Michael Finley of the Spurs in last year’s playoffs. That was low Jason, real low!

29. Detroit Pistons- The one melee that Ron Artest DIDN’T start! Anybody that watched the video of that game and was paying attention would have seen that Ben Wallace pushed Artest in the neck, which lead him to go sit on the scorers table. It was there that Ron Artest, calmest guy in the “Palace”, got hit by a cup of beer! BEER! If someone hits me with beer I’m running up into the stands and beating that fool with his own shoe! The only good thing is that at least ¼ of Detroit’s fans can sympathize with the Pacers that got probation. The only reason these guys aren’t #30 is because Ben Wallace went to Chicago.

30. Los Angeles Lakers- Did you hear that Kobe scored 81 points last year? Yeah, who cares, he’s an adulterer. How many shots did he take in that game? Again, don’t care, but he epitomizes everything that’s wrong with the NBA. He’s immoral, selfish, cocky, and unwilling to accept responsibility for his own actions. He deserved to be pulled from Nike ads, but not to be put back in. Kobe can buy his wife’s love, but he will never buy mine. Did I mention I’m not a big fan of Magic either? Oh, and what’s with Kobe wearing elbow pads on his shins? I guess some people just aren’t cut out for college.

Referees Don't Win and Lose Games

What happened last month (September '06) at the Oregon-Oklahoma football game and the after effects have proven what a lot of people have thought for a long time. Yup, the University of Oklahoma, its President, its coach, and its players are all a bunch of crybaby sore losers! As if no other team has ever been slighted and the result of a game changed by a call made by an official. In last month’s game, Oregon attempted an onside kick being down by a score in the fourth quarter and recovered it. In a replay, there was video evidence that an Oregon player touched the football before traveling the minimum 10 yards from the initial spot where players on the kicking team are eligible to touch the football. However; officials did not overturn the call and Oregon retained possession of the football. Oregon needed a touchdown to win the football game, and had appeared to be stopped by Oklahoma’s defense when a flag was thrown for pass interference. By NCAA football rules, if a ball is tipped at any point from the quarterback to the receiver, no pass interference can be called. In replays, it appeared that the ball was tipped, but the officials stuck with the call on the field and Oregon retained possession of the ball. A few plays after that, Oregon scored a touchdown and ended up winning the game. Oklahoma is petitioning that the game’s result be thrown out of the record books. And you wonder why I am calling them crybaby sore losers? As mentioned above, there have been countless other games that have had the results “changed” from a call an official made. What makes Oklahoma so special? Did they actually think that they could contend for a National Title this year? Okay, we all know that who goes to what bowl at the end of the year is all about politics and that the people that decide who they want to go to their bowl will not count one of Oklahoma’s losses, so what’s the problem Oklahoma? Just be good Boomer Sooners and realize that the world is not going to end because of last week’s game. As I recall, a few years ago Oklahoma was on the other side of this same situation, only in basketball. With only seconds left in a game against Texas Tech, Oklahoma inbounded the ball and went down the court to tie the game with a last second shot. The only problem was that the shot was after the clock expired AND the clock operator “forgot” to start the clock when it was inbounded. Let’s throw that game out too! Let’s go back further to 1997 and the NBA Finals, Jazz vs. Michael Jordan, I mean, the Bulls. It was game 6 in Utah. The game came down to Michael Jordan pushing off on Bryon Russell (an offensive foul not called by the official) and making a shot that won the game. However, there were two key calls that the officials missed that would have given the Jazz 6 points, leaving Jordan no opportunity to make a game winning shot. The first instance was in the first half when Ron Harper of the Bulls made a three-point shot AFTER the shot clock expired and the officials counted it. The second instance was in the second half when Howard Eisley of the Jazz made a three-point shot BEFORE the shot clock and the officials did not count it. So you see, this is nothing new. Oklahoma is just the first to make such a stink over it. And yes, those officials in the Bulls/Jazz game were suspended by the league, and even a couple were fired. There is however one huge, glaring problem that I cannot escape in all of these before-mentioned instances. That problem is that the officials may have influenced the game, but in the end, Oklahoma allowed Oregon to make that touchdown. Oklahoma could have scored points earlier so they wouldn’t have even been in the situation they were. The same goes for Texas Tech. I'm still convinced the deal with Michael Jordan and the Jazz was a conspiracy........but, I guess the same could go for the Jazz as well, as sad as it may sound to all of you Karl Malone and John Stockton fans. Officials will always be variables in games and it is up to the teams to either beat the officials (not in a literal sense, although sometimes we wish they would), or let the officials beat them.

Kenny Rogers Didn't "Cheat"

In game 2 of the 2006 World Series, Detroit Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers was accused of cheating. No, he wasn't behind the scoreboard adding runs to the Tigers score when nobody was looking. Yes, he did have some kind of substance on his hand that was affecting the balls he was pitching. Kenny was approached by the umpire after the first inning about the substance, which he claimed was dirt. Pitchers in the past have been known to cheat in a similar manner by putting pine tar in their palm and rubbing it on the ball before it is pitched to put an added spin an weight on the ball, making it more difficult to hit. In the case of Kenny Rogers, do you really think that if he did have something other than dirt on his hand that the umpire wouldn't have noticed, and secondly, that the umpire wouldn't have kicked him out of the game? A few years ago when Sammy Sosa broke his corked bat, did the umpire shake his finger at Sammy and say, "Oh Sammy, you're such a trickster."? NO! He was kicked out of the game and suspended. At an event as large as the World Series, Kenny Rogers would have been kicked out and suspended had he in fact cheated. Think about it.......