Friday, October 27, 2006

NBA Preseason Rankings - Part 1 of 5

It's that time of year where everybody is releasing their NBA preseason rankings. I've never seen a preseason ranking that was indicative of how they rank at the end of the season, but I can assure you that my rankings will stay just about the same ALL year. That's because I'm ranking according to how much I respect them(1), or how little I respect them(30). In part 1 of 5, I'll rank teams 25-30.

25. Sacramento Kings- I don’t really have much against any of their players now that Vlade(the most notorious flopper to ever grace the hardwood floor) and crew have either retired or jumped ship, but those gold jerseys have to go. Ooh, those are hard on the eyes.

26. Indiana Pacers- The only arena in the NBA where fans AND players need to check in their weapons at the door. Ron Artest may be long gone, but Stephen Jackson is making sure that the “thug” banner is still being carried at Conseco Fieldhouse. Last week a handful of Pacers were at a night club when Jackson got in a fight and was hit by a car. Instead of taking his lickings, he pulled a gun out and fired three shots in the air. To add to the situation, marijuana was found in the car of point guard Jamaal Tinsley. He claimed it was his friend’s and was let off the hook. Right . . . Larry Bird has to do something to get this team under control. And he thought Artest was the problem . . .

27. Portland Trailblazers- Though they have cleaned up their act of late, the Trailblazers have been forever tarnished by Rasheed Wallace and Zach Randolph’s psychotic escapades. Growing up I used to call them the Jailblazers, I never thought that NBA players could go to jail. I also didn’t know that some of them pack their body’s weight of marijuana/cocaine in the trunk of their cars. What was that on Randolph’s nose the other day? He must have been eating powdered donuts before the game, which are excellent with milk.

28. Dallas Mavericks-
Every generation needs its own version of ultimate fighting on the hard-court; ours comes in the form of a bunch of whiny, self-centered millionaires in Texas. A truly good matchup would be the Badboy Pistons of the 80s and early 90s and today’s Mavericks. A scene from Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy where two rival newscasting crews faceoff comes to mind. Tridents and hand grenades would litter the floor. Death everywhere. Here’s guessing that Jason Terry will punch someone below the belt this year like he did to Michael Finley of the Spurs in last year’s playoffs. That was low Jason, real low!

29. Detroit Pistons- The one melee that Ron Artest DIDN’T start! Anybody that watched the video of that game and was paying attention would have seen that Ben Wallace pushed Artest in the neck, which lead him to go sit on the scorers table. It was there that Ron Artest, calmest guy in the “Palace”, got hit by a cup of beer! BEER! If someone hits me with beer I’m running up into the stands and beating that fool with his own shoe! The only good thing is that at least ¼ of Detroit’s fans can sympathize with the Pacers that got probation. The only reason these guys aren’t #30 is because Ben Wallace went to Chicago.

30. Los Angeles Lakers- Did you hear that Kobe scored 81 points last year? Yeah, who cares, he’s an adulterer. How many shots did he take in that game? Again, don’t care, but he epitomizes everything that’s wrong with the NBA. He’s immoral, selfish, cocky, and unwilling to accept responsibility for his own actions. He deserved to be pulled from Nike ads, but not to be put back in. Kobe can buy his wife’s love, but he will never buy mine. Did I mention I’m not a big fan of Magic either? Oh, and what’s with Kobe wearing elbow pads on his shins? I guess some people just aren’t cut out for college.

1 comment:

B'rizzle said...

I applaud the Pacers of Indiana for proudly carrying the thug banner. As a fellow American leading the thug lifestyle, I can tell you that it can get very lonely and discouraging when you think that you are alone in your principles (or lack thereof). Let them wave their banner proudly--uniting all thugs across the country and southern Canada.